Transitions

So often, I get wrapped up in planning - planning the morning, the weekend, the next six months, the rest of my life.  When it doesn't happen as I had planned, I get frustrated and annoyed, with myself and the situation.  I ask myself what did I do wrong and how can I manipulate it so it is better.  What are my flaws that prevented the "correct" outcome?

A while ago my friend Jen suggested I read the book Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan and after waiting unsuccessfully for it to be available at my library, I finally bought it and read it on my plane ride to San Francisco last week.  Sullivan tells the story of four best friends and their journeys post-graduation as they each search for personal happiness, love, and success, while trying to transition from college to adulthood.  While the characters lives and college experiences are much more liberal than mine, more than a few lines and ideas hit me like bricks and made me reflect on my desire for constant purpose, plans, and perfection.

"In college, half of what they had talked about was what came next - what would they do for work, where would they would live, whom would they fall in love with? .... [But after college, she realized that,] most of the time, the choices just made themselves." (p. 182)

Despite planning so much for where I would live and what my career would be all throughout my undergrad, God obviously had plans for me, much grander and more challenging than I ever would have imagined.  Four years ago, I didn't know who the Jesuits are.  Two years ago, I didn't know what JVC was.  I hope this year to be able to let go of my own plans and allow God to work through me in a much greater way than ever before.  I want to live in every moment.

The first year out of college is your "freshman year of life... It's going to get better, I swear." (p. 52)

This year is going to be an experience.  It is going to be full of ups and downs, challenges, struggles, and successes.  Like freshman year of college, I am going to again learn how to live independently, yet in a new type of community.  Like freshman year, I will have to again learn how to balance time, priorities, money, work, relationships with family and friends (old and new), spirituality, and personal well-being.  Like freshman year, I will have to form and trust my new support system as we use our diverse pasts to help us form the future, learn about the world around us, and share in our experiences.  Like freshman year, I will need to take chances, step completely outside my comfort zone, and be okay with making mistakes.

"What will survive of us is love." (p. 160, from Philip Larkin's "An Arundel Tomb")

I will only be living, learning, and serving in this community for a year.  Similar to lesson learned during my student teaching, if I only touch one life, it is a success.  While that seems insignificant, I need to keep in mind the domino effect of spreading love and compassion.  My physical presence won't last in the lives of the children I serve, but hopefully, I will be able to show them patience, kindness, respect, and love, that will stick with them and help them to be examples for others.  Similarly, with the JVC phrase, "Ruined for Life", the experiences and relationships formed during this upcoming year will continue to shape my relationships, priorities, and choices for the rest of my life.

In short, Commencement helped me to realize that my planning isn't going to change God's plan.  Everything is going to work out, but there will be plenty of ups and downs in the road to make the journey worth the ride and prepare me for the next stage of my life.  And so, with this blog, I hope to create a space for sharing my experiences and my reflections on this year.